Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Breakdown

I should be sleeping, it is 3am. One of the many pieces of advice you receive when you have a baby is "rest when their sleeping." I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this, but for some reason, I can be dead to the world but as soon as she falls asleep, I go into overdrive and cannot "rest." That's my time to run around and do everything I possibly can do before she wakes up so that my husband won't think I sit around here and do nothing all day but read blogs.

These past 15 days have been the hardest of the last six months. My patience has not just worn thin, it's gone. Patience is not a virtue that I excel at by any means and evidently you need a lot of it when you have a baby. In the last 15 days, we've dealt with vaccinations, the left top tooth breaking through, a little virus, and then the right top tooth coming through. It's been nothing buy sleepless nights and straight crying for the last 15 days.

These last two days I have seriously questioned my ability to be a mother. I finally lost it with her. I screamed at her. I screamed at six month old....what the hell is wrong with me? Of course did this solve anything, no. All it did was result in more crying for her and me crying. I hate myself for it. It's not her fault and I know it. Why can't my nerves just realize this? Thank God for my mother-in-law for trying to make me feel better by telling me that she once too screamed at David's brother when he was a baby and wouldn't stop crying. I'm sure she was making it up to make me not feel so bad.

I try really hard to not complain on here too much about it all, I don't want y'all to think I'm a bad mother or wonder why I even had a kid. Olivia is not a bad baby, but she has been a difficult baby. Those who only spend a couple hours with her always say "oh, she's such a good baby", but those who see her on a daily basis understand what I'm saying and see what I go through with her.

She's extremely strong willed. She will fight with you with every little bone in her body. She's not attached to anything (but me), so "soothing" her is out of the question. She refuses a paci. She doesn't take to any particular blanket or stuffed animal. She doesn't suck her thumb or fingers. She refuses to have you hold her close, she only will let you hold her facing outward. She will not cuddle. If you try, she pushes you away. She's already started hitting and no, it's not just a reaction. When she's mad, she gets a angry look on her face and starts hitting you. She has done this repeatedly, so I'm convinced now she knows what she's doing. She's extremely independent. She cannot relax. Even when she's eating, she's constantly moving. She has to be in control. She hates being a baby. Her little body doesn't function at the same speed her mind does and this leads to nothing but frustration for her.

The scary part....she's just like me.

I love her, I really do. I love her with my entire heart. I would do anything for her. I would give her my own heart if she needed it. Even after six months, when I think about her and how much I love her, it brings tears to my eyes (even now typing this).

It's just so hard sometimes.

I now laugh when I hear other women say their ready to be a mother. Your never truly ready and you never will be. You might think you are, but your not. Yes, it might be time for you to be a mother, but you won't be ready to be a mother. If you do not have children of your own, you cannot even begin to comprehend it and all the emotions that come with it. I spent years taking care of other peoples children. I thought I was ready. I thought I knew what to expect, but I had no clue. I now regret all those times I would say stuff like "I know, I work with children" to those who were already mothers. I now completely understand when other parents would say "you'll understand when you have children." I know they would just laugh, because I now laugh to myself when people without children say those things to me. All I can think is you have no clue.

The part that scares me the most is, it's just the beginning. At one point today, she was fighting me about something and I just looked at her and said "we're going to be doing this for the next thirty years." I pray that God gives me the ability to be the mother she needs. I pray that he gives me the patience and strength to deal with her. I pray he gives me the ability to be the mother I want to be to her.

Now that I've had my breakdown, I think it's safe to say she's finally had hers too. She passed out in my arms this evening a little before six. It's not unusual for her to take a little cat nap at that time, so I laid her down, thinking she'd be up in 30 minutes. I guess she's finally broke down and given in, she's now been asleep for over 11 hours straight and she has never slept this long in her entire life. Oh, and her Nana has her all day tomorrow so I can get a break.

And if your thinking I need to be reported to child services for yelling at my kid, please make sure when you report me that you request she be sent to the Pope's. Thankfully, their registered foster parents in our county.

4 comments:

The Popes said...

I love you.

And regaurdless of what you think, you are a great mother. We all have breaking points. There are high times and extremely low points that all we can do is pray for forgiveness for.

And just wait, when she's 3 and you scream at her you will feel even worse since she's old enough to KNOW that you are so mad at her. And apoligizing to a midget is seriously humbling.

Hang in there. Some of my best friends are strong willed women!

Elizabeth said...

:) You have so many people who love you so much, and like Nicole said, know that you are a great mother. I'm sure there will be millions of times when you want to scream and fuss, and I guess that's when I say I only know "something like that" from being married. You are right though...I don't have a clue. But I do give you props for curing my baby fever! (Well, you contributed to it....I had to be around some other mommies with babies the other day...and yes, I'm definitely not ready!) :) I love you!!!

Paige said...

You are a wonderful Mother and even if you get "broken down" by Mommy hood every now and then it doesn't mean you love your child any less. I get broken all the time. You just always have to remember to take time for yourself! That is the best advice that anyone has ever given me!

Kameron said...

Please don't feel alone in this. I think we have all had our dark moment where rational thought flew out the window and we've said something we regret. I have done the same thing in a moment of sleep deprived frustration.

Nicole is right though. It is even worse when you scream at the toddler that knows what's up and will remember what happened. I yelled at Nate and it scared him. He started bawling and told me I "broked his heart" as tears and snot ran down his face. I felt like a terrible mom. I wanted to curl up and die at that moment.

We all go through it. You have mega guts to admit it on your blog. I think if you didn't feel bad about it, then there would be a problem. :o)