Wednesday, August 31, 2011

First day

Yesterday was OK's first day of pre-k.

This was the only picture I could get out of her. I wanted one of her and her huge backpack, but she refused to stop and pose for me. We walked into the classroom and she immediately took off to play. I kept trying to get a goodbye from her, but she wasn't having it. So, I turned around and walked out a little sad that she couldn't even say bye.

Y'all already remember what happened last week, so I guess I should have been prepared.

For the first time in over a year, I had a whole three hours to myself and with nothing I had to be doing. Of course, I spent it at the grocery store and cleaning up the house, because that's whay mom's do right? I'll be honest, I thought to myself, maybe I could do this everyday???

Which I should state....if its God's plan to only bless us with Olivia....I will NOT be homeschooling. Her and I would kill each other...seriously!

Before I knew it, my three hours were up and I had to go pick her up. I knew she was fine throughout the day, so I decided to pick her up in the car pool lane. As they brought her out, the look on her face was like "where the heck are they taking me?" But as soon as she saw the van, she started screaming "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" and was smiling from ear to ear. Totally made my day and made me forgive her for no goodbye!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Still a party of 3

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and well wishes yesterday. I know most of you already know the outcome of yesterdays visit and I had planned on updating last night, but I was too tired. It was a long day.

I never shared the full details, but it was a sibling group of three. Two boys and a little girl. Ages 7, 4, and 3. The boys were the two oldest and the girl being the youngest. They have been in care since May 2010 due to continuous parental neglect, and the parental rights will be terminated in October.

For now, it's still just the three of us.

It was actually a four hour drive down there and from the moment we got there, there seemed to be red flags everywhere.

First sign, they didn't even have the kids there.

This really threw us off at first and honestly immediately put our guard up. Even our caseworker was thrown off and obviously, not happy about it. That was the whole point of our four hour drive!

Second, we learned that morning that they had just been recently moved from their original foster home. We three (when I say three, that includes our caseworker), had been told up until yesterday morning, that they had been with the same foster family since day one. Which is always a good sign. When we got there, that was one of the first questions we asked was "why?" and we got a really odd answer about the foster parent didn't get along with the school system and had asked the kids to be moved. This seemed to be a strange request to all of us since we were in a very small town in south Georgia in which there is only one elementary, middle, and high school and even more questionable when come to find out, the former foster parent worked for the school the children went to.

We sat down for our meeting and the first ten minutes went well, then the former foster mom showed up to meet with us. Honestly, after talking to her for less then ten minutes, we were decided not to proceed. One thing I am grateful for is her honesty. She tired to speak positively about the children, but you could read her easily and tell she was honestly scared to death of the oldest child. Come to find out, he is extremely physically violent with others, including his own siblings. The more she shared her story and experience with them, the more apparent it was this was not going to work out. The foster home was not much different than ours...there was a mother and father present, there were other children in the home, etc. She never came out and said it, but you could read between the lines, that they were planning on adopting these three (they have a two year old they just adopted), but after 15 months in there home, things had not gotten any better and they could no longer put out the energy to try to help these kids anymore.

We talked most of the time to her, obviously, she's spent the last 15 months with them and knew them better than anyone in the room. We asked her question after question about their life with them the last 15 months, their behavior, her and her husbands discipline methods, etc., etc. and she was as honest as she could be. Finally, I looked straight at her and said to her "Like you, I have a two year old at home and from mother to mother, please be as honest as you can with me. As of right now, her safety is still my number 1 priority, do you feel safe with these children in your home around your daughter?" She stuttered and started fumbling over her words and then looked at me straight in the eye and said "No." That was the deal sealer for us.

We continued on for a few more minutes, and David went on to ask her what kind of life she saw them with in ten to twenty years if they were in a stable environment and getting the help they needed. Her response was regardless of what environment they were in, they're problems were so severe, they would never live a normal life or be functional people. Come to find out, there was much more psychiatric problems that we were first informed of. I don't want to go into great detail due to confidentially agreements and their privacy, but it was way more than we felt we could handle.

We also learned that the middle child, was described much differently in his evaluations than what the reality is. We were told that he was learning delayed and mildly developmentally delayed. The truth was, he was so mentally delayed, he would never be able to function on his on regardless of his age. I'm sure I will be judged for this, but I truly believe that if God is to give me a special needs child by birth, its something he knows I could handle. I do not believe I am called to adopt special needs children. It takes a very, very special person that has a heart of Gold to adopt a child they have to commit to take care of for the rest of their lives. I have much respect for those people, but I know I'm not one of them.

We didn't even get into the little girl. By the time we were done with the first two, we were already decided.

We finished up with the foster mom and our caseworker got their caseworker out of the room for a minute. As soon as the door shut, she looked across the table at us and said a big "NO!" Her job is to look out for our best interest and she told us that she did not feel comfortable with this child around Olivia. She couldn't in her right mind encourage us to proceed. We talked a minute and told her we were both agreed and honestly didn't need to discuss it. It was not even a option.

Their caseworker came back in and we immediately told her we didn't want to proceed, we felt Olivia would be in danger with these kids in our home. She agreed and understood. Our caseworker (who is a 28 year veteran), suggested to her that she needed to find a home without children and especially young children. She even went as far to say in her twenty eight years of foster care, she has only a hand full of times she believed it was in the best interest of the siblings to be separated, and this was one of them. She also told her she needed to be a little more honest on their evaluations, because the evaluations were much less than what the reality was. It would have saved us a four drive because she said she would have never even sent our home study in to them. I will give her the excuse that their caseworker is pretty new to the field. She is young and that was actually the first adoption meeting she had ever attended.

Yes, we did plan on coming back and being a family of six, but it wasn't meant to be. I honestly felt complete peace when walking out of that building. I felt in my heart that it was the right decision. It was nice to have closer since we actually started with this group in the middle of July.

A few people have asked if we were disappointed and honestly, we weren't terribly. We were happy to know the truth and honestly not get stuck with a situation we couldn't handle. The three of us talked in the car on the way back and honestly, I did feel sad for the kids still, because unfortunately, it seems to be a situation that nothing will make a difference. As our case worker reminded us, that sometimes regardless of what is done, some people can not be saved. Sadly, this seems to be one of those situations. I know you might think I'm being kind of harsh with saying that about these young kids, but there is a lot of other information we learned that I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. I shared the least of the problems they had. Like I said, Olivia was our top priority.

Our caseworker told us that usually by the time you get to the table, its a go because they normally put all the worst stuff on paper and by the time you get to the table, you realize the kids aren't as bad as the paper makes them seem and that's where you fall in love with them when you see them. She said that was one of the few times in twenty eight years, she's ever seen it be complete opposite. She said the moment the caseworker and the foster parent opened their mouths, she knew they were not the right kids for us.

So, we continue to wait for those kids. Regardless, it was interesting and a learning experience. There are a few other sibling groups she wanted to send our home study out on that came across her desk, but she wanted to see how yesterday went first. There is also a foster situation that she said still wanted us, but they are total foster right now and have a long way to go in their case plan. We honestly haven't talked about it yet. We were pretty worn out from the long drive yesterday. So, we'll see.

Again, thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I really appreciated them all. I'll definitely keep you updated on any future updates.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Today is the day....

Our lives change forever.

I've been kinda quiet about it all, but today, we travel three hours away to meet the kids that we may soon call our own.

Regardless of what we decide, these kids have made an impact on our lives.

Either way, we'll never forget their faces, their names, their birthdays, their sad past.

I'd be lying if I said that they hadn't already took a place in my heart.

To say I'm nervous is an understatement.

Even Big Dave admitted that he was pretty nervous the other day, which is funny, because he's never nervous about anything.

This past week, I've been trying to deal with my emotions of it all. As of last night, I felt so nervous, I felt like I was going to be sick.

Its crazy to think that we have these kids lives in our hands.

A simple yes or no changes their entire life.

Ultimately, yes, its in Gods hands.

He already knows the decision we'll make. He knows what the future holds for these kids.

But, its crazy to think he's given us the opportunity to make a decision like that.

For some reason, this feels so different than deciding to have a baby.

Making that decision was so natural.

To make the choice that your going to commit to raise and love someone else's child, seems anything but.

But, in my heart, it feels so right.

Our meeting is set for 11am this morning. Prayers I make it for the what I'm sure will be the longest drive ever! I'll share all the details tomorrow!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Can't you at least act like you like me???

Yesterday morning, we headed out to OK's open house to meet her teacher. We actually are kinda lucky because we happen to go to church with her teacher, so it made things a little easier for mama.

We walked into the classroom and as I expected, OK walked in like a boss.

The kid owned the place and walked in like she goes there every single day.


She walked right in, turned to me, said "bye," and went to playing. Of course, the rest of the parents and her teachers got a good laugh. Her teacher, Mrs. A, exclaimed "Olivia's ready!" Which, she is.

While Olivia was content moving from toy to toy, the rest of the kids in her class were hanging onto their parents and talking to Mrs. A about how to handle the first day and the crying.

As I sat there watching everyone else around me, it kinda made me sad that Olivia wasn't acting at least one bit like she was attached to me. I wanted to yell across the room to her "can't you at least act like you like me and attached at my hip, not like your dying to get away from me????"

But, the reality is, she's ready for something different. Our days are starting to drag on and yes, we both drive each other crazy. I've finally come to terms that we're both just alike and that's why we're always clashing. She's too young to get involved in any outside activities or homeschool co-ops, so this is the next best thing. Right now, we currently don't too often get a break from each other, so we both need this at the moment.

I know when her first day comes next week, I'll be happy that she's not clingy or crying. Will it be easier on me? Probably not, but hopefully it will give Mrs. A and Mrs. J a easier week to at least have one not crying the entire three hours.

Don't worry though, the morning however did not go without any tears. When leaving open house, Stevie Nicks came on the radio singing "Landslide" and I shed enough tears for the both of us.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Randomness for Wednesday

David was off on the actual real Monday and Tuesday, so I woke up today feeling like it was really Monday. It honestly took me a little bit this morning to register that it wasn't actually Monday. Waffle House people are known for saying.... "in the real world, what day is it?" Did you know that Waffle House makes up their own weeks and calendars. True story. Their years somehow have 13 months instead of 12. How is that??? We have yet to figure. The Waffle House Gods declare it and we all just nod and go with it. It's a crazy world we live in.

After my "coming out" post. My lifelong BFF Alison left me a comment saying she thought I was going to be awesome at homeschooling. It made my week. I gushed about it to David because Alison is a teacher. She even has her Masters in teaching. It means a lot to a (potential) homeschooling parent for an degree holding, public school teacher to say something like that. Believe me, she wasn't just saying that to be nice. We're close enough that she has no problem telling me what she really thinks....she's older and wiser...she will be the big 3-0 very soon! ; ) Thanks for making my day Alison!!! : )

My awesome MIL called Monday evening and offered to keep OK on Tuesday, so we could have a date day. We dropped her off and headed to see The Help. David wanted to see this movie I was gushing about and of course, I didn't mind seeing it again. I have to admit, I cried just as hard the second time as the first. I'm a total sap.

We did hear from our caseworker Monday. She sent over a part of the kids evaluations and asked us to read over it and let her know. We read it, talked over it, and decided we did want to move forward to meet them. And.....we haven't heard a word since. I know it's driving everyone crazy (us too), but there's not much to do but keep on waiting. I have a inkling that we're waiting for their caseworker. Our caseworker is on the ball with stuff and has a reputation of being the best in our area. She sends me copies of all emails she exchanges and looking at the times the emails are sent, she's pretty quick to respond. The kids caseworker....not so much. So, I will definitely let everyone know when we know something. I honestly check my phone probably every two minutes during the day now. Keep the prayers coming.

My birthday is coming up very soon. I'm not sad or necessary excited about it. These past two years though, I have realized that having a child with a birthday so close to your own, kinda puts your mind off your own birthday. Last night, my MIL was trying to ask what I wanted for my birthday and I kept talking about Olivia's. I've got issues evidently. Pre-kid days, I always declared I had a birthday week, now, not so much. In fact, David even admitted to me a few days ago that he knew my birthday was coming soon, but he had honestly forgotten it was so close. I told him I understood.

Yes, I totally just posted a potty picture.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Officially coming out of the closet.

Last week my sister wife Nicole wrote an awesome post about homeschooling called Simply Schooling. I was hanging out on her couch the morning she posted it and I told her that she took the words write out of my mouth. I loved it. Read it here.

I'm sure most have figured out by now that we're planning on homeschooling. In person, we mention it pretty often, but we've never actually declared "we're a homeschooling family." So I guess this is our official coming out party.

We're homeschooling.

Or at least, I should say we're going to take it year by year, but starting with homeschooling.

It's funny, because awhile back, someone who doesn't know us as well as they think, mentioned to me that I was homeschooling because of Nicole.

Oddly, yes she is a part of one reason why I want to homeschool, but not the part that that person thought. I like having a mom with kids similar in age who is going through the same things I will be as a homeschooling mom. Plus, she's already a veteran of pre-school homeschooling, so I like the fact she goes first with everything and she's the one talking me off the ledge when I call and freak about the fact that Olivia still doesn't know her ABC's. True story.

However, homeschooling is not a totally new concept for us. Due to bullying issues, my Mom and John decided to pull my brother out of public schooling in middle school and home school him. They loved it, my brother loved it and started to excel in his new environment. I fell in love with it when I went up for his high school graduation and meet the kids he graduated and went to co-op with. I was impressed by these kids. I was impressed with their manners, their maturity, their accomplishments, where they were heading, and their views on the world. I was sold.

David however took a little longer to convince. After I spent a few years working behind the scenes for a local school system, he too was on board. In fact, there have been times over the years that I have questioned our decision to even try homeschooling and debated to go ahead and not even try, but he has remained steadfast in his opinion. He too started to see more and more of those homeschooled kids around us and was also impressed and wanted the same for our future children.


I could really go on for days about the reasons why we want to home school. If you really want to know them, stop by and we'll sit over several pots of coffee. If you want to know most of them, go read Nicole's post. Homeschooling is actually one of the things we bonded over when
our husbands first forced us to hang out! : )

We basically narrow it down to two reason though....we want the kids that homeschooling (9 times out of 10) produces and it fits our schedule.

I've mentioned a few times Dave's crazy schedule. He works six on, two off. So his schedule basically changes every week. We're not a 9 to 5 Monday thru Friday, Saturday and Sundays off family. Odds are, we'll never be. Homeschooling will allow for us to keep some type of family life for our kids. With the schedule Dave works, if we were to send the kids to school, they would never get much time with him, only a few hours in the evenings when they get home from school. There would hardly be any fun weekend adventures for our kids with dad. With homeschooling, we can fit our school schedule to Dave's and almost have somewhat of a normal family life. With Olivia still being so young, its been easy to do that so far.

We know that families have to deal with crazy schedules all the time (Dave did with his mom when growing up), but since I'm already home all day, we have the opportunity to make it work for us.

To not confuse anyone, we have decided to send our preschool age kids to preschool. Olivia will actually be starting in the next couple of weeks. We've heard of a few other home school families that do this and think it will work best for us. Especially since we're probably going to start homeschooling much earlier than we thought. Our preschoolers will go for just two days a week for half a day and by the time they move up to five days a week (usually at four around here), then we'll pull them out and start homeschooling them officially. It gives them some time outside the home and me some time to focus solely on the older kids (another fact about our possible future kids....one is school age).

We've also done lots of reading and research on adoption and homeschooling lately. I've come across several who say that adopted kids coming from traumatic situations do extremely well in the homeschooling environment. For many different reasons, the one on one works well for those kids and they usually excel. Every child our caseworker has sent us info on, they have all had one thing in common...they've all been delayed. We feel like homeschooling will be the best route since they will have so much one on one time and we can go at their pace and level. They will still get any help they need such as speech therapy or anything else like that we cannot necessarily do ourselves. We actually had one caseworker contact us about a specific group just because they had heard we were planning on homeschooling and thought it was best for the kids in her care.

About a month ago, I started working with Olivia with basic stuff. We're basically still "playing" but we play with our educational toys in our school room. I'm not forcing anything on her yet, she is currently enjoying playing with play-do, counting bears, matching games, and of course, coloring. In the homeschooling world, "waiting" is the big push and now that I have a child of my own, I see what they're talking about. She's not ready for anything more at the moment and we're going at her pace. It's amazing to me how much she's learned in the last month since we started. I won't lie, I was excited when my mom and John came down last month and Olivia took my mom's hand, dragged her to our school room, and said "school."

So, this is a new journey we're about to start on and just like the adoption, I'm scared to death and excited all at the same time. It's all so overwhelming when I actually sit to think about it.

I need lots of prayers.



Sunday, August 14, 2011

A blessing & The Help

Good morning.

I'm blogging from my front porch this morning and the weather is wonderful at the moment. There is a hint of coolness (a tee-tiny hint) in the air that reminds me of fall mornings. Maybe we don't have much longer of this heat and those cool mornings with warm afternoons will be here soon.

Olivia and I are going on day four of no car and being stuck at the house all day. It's not fun and I never realized just how inconvenient it is to not have a car. We're both going stir crazy. We finally sold our SUV last week, after almost two months of trying. It was such a blessing. Our plan is to use part of the money to buy something bigger and the rest to buy stuff for whoever comes into our home (i.e. beds, clothes, car seats, etc.). It's been something that even though we knew it would all work out eventually, we were starting to get a little worried about it. The crazy part is we sold it to someone who lives in our smallish town. The guy said he had been all over the north side of Atlanta looking for one and we had the exact one he wanted (or actually his wife wanted) right here in our little town. I love little crazy things like that.

So, in our quest to become more practical....i.e. drive cars that don't cost an arm and leg to fill the tank....we're looking for a mini van for me. Yes, I know I'm eating my words again when we bought the little car a few months ago and I said I would only have kids that will fit in the back seat of that car. Well, I will tell you this much about our expanding family.....they come three for the price of one. So, we need more room and cannot afford to fill up a suburban every time we leave the driveway....so we're looking at swagger wagons.

And can I be honest and tell you that I'm excited about it. Several of our friends have broke down the last few years and gone the mini-van way of life. Besides the fact we're all closer to 30 then 20, there is no denying we're all adults now. They all love their vans and I've been admiring them from afar. Until now....I can join the cool mini-van owner club soon. Be jealous.

Thursday night, my bestest friends and I loaded up in Sheena's mini van....cause we're cool moms like that....and headed to the big city for dinner, shopping, and a movie. It's hard to get all of use together at the same time due to schedules, but on Thursday night it made me realize just how much I miss all of us together. After dinner and a little shopping, we headed to see The Help. Can I just say how much I loved it????

(via)

We read the book almost two years ago for bookclub and the book has remained one of my all time favorites. The movie did not disappoint. I feel like this should be required reading/watching for every one. It's hard to believe that people were treated that way just on the basis of the color of their skin. It's even harder to believe that it wasn't that long ago. Yes, I cried several times throughout the movie....Amy bawled! ; ) I would love to see it again. I think David and I are going to try to go see it sometime this week. I know he'll love it too! If you haven't seen it yet, please go see it. If you only see one movie a year, this should be it.

Our weekend has been pretty quiet so far. So much so, even have nothing to do a weekend post. David has had a busy weekend with work the past few days and putting in long hours. Olivia and I are stuck at the house because he needs the car for work, so we've just been driving each other crazy. We went to look at a minivan last night, but it was a no go. We weren't that impressed with it for the price. But we ended up at The Varsity for dinner, which is always good day in my book. I started to make preparations for our hopefully growing family and painted what has been our guest room. I had been putting off doing anything with it since we moved in because I knew either way we would be using it for more kids regardless. It needed painting regardless, so that's one more thing checked off our never ending project list.

I'm in love with the color and tempted to repaint my entire house in it. I'm being serious. It's the first room I've ever done entirely on my own. Usually David always trims while I roll, but since I successfully trimmed this one, he may let me get away with saying statements like that now. Normally he just rolls his eyes.

Our case worker comes back to work tomorrow, so we're hoping to hear something from her tomorrow. I'll keep everyone updated of course. Hoping to be able to meet the kids sometime this week!!!! : )

One day last week, I heard OK in her room over the monitor. I grabbed my camera and tried to sneak in there to see what she was up to. I found her laying on her big bed covered up and reading her favorite book at the moment. Of course she had gotten the nasty blanket out of her crib and was sucking away on it. I will say it made my heart smile to find her cuddled up like that. I snapped a picture and then snuggled up in the bed with her to read. Those are the moments I love.


Hope everyone is having a great weekend! : )

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Just riding the emotional rollar coaster.

Thank you for the encouraging words yesterday.

Tuesday morning I woke up and one of the first post that popped up in my google reader was this one from Emily at The Anderson Crew. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was what I wanted confirmed.

As the day went on, I grew more and more excited about it all. I started to feel how people have been expecting me to act.

My mom called and asked "so what does this mean?"

And my post just means those are my fears.

David and I consider ourselves to be very logical people. I haven't gone into great detail, but we have literally talked and considered every possible situation that could go along with this adoption thing that we possibly can. For instance, we were adamant that we didn't want any group that had sisters. We felt that two sisters (especially older in age) would already have a bond and in the future, Olivia could possibly be the left out one and not be able to truly form that sister bond with two adopted sisters. Those are the kind of situations that we ran over and over when we trying to decide what we would and would not take.

Part of it is that we are not going into this with rose colored glasses. Through others stories and experiences, we realize that we are going into possibly one of the hardest years of our lives. These children are going to come with baggage. They've been abandoned, they've been rejected, they've been abused and all those issues and feelings that come along with that are going to have be dealt with. Unfortunately, they are usually taken out on the people that are trying to help them...the adoptive parents.

Though I truly am excited, it is hard to swallow the fact that we're starting on possibly a very long hard journey. Especially after coming off a great last year, after Olivia's first year being so hard. With a unplanned c-section, an unexpected second surgery and recovery, a very unhappy baby, and a year of postpartum depression, Olivia's first year has gone down in history as our hardest year yet. Yes, I'm admitting for the first time on here that I had postpartum depression. If you read my blog during that year, your probably thinking "we could have told you that one!" It took me a long time to come to terms and admit it, but that's a whole different post. Let's just say I'm amazed my husband stood by me that year.

We could very well have one of those "everything is wonderful and we all loved each other from day one" kind of adoption stories. I'm praying that we do, but I'm not going to fool myself. It's going to be hard and an adjustment for every single one of us in this house.

For the last few weeks, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "you'll know when you see them" but honestly, when I pulled up their pictures for the first time...I didn't know. I was disappointed that I didn't "know" right away. It wasn't love at first sight like everyone promised. David reminded me that we're not love at first sight kinda people anyways. We knew each other for years before we decided we liked each other. I'd say that worked out well for us.

Today I woke up even more excited about what's ahead. I even started referring to them by their names, which was big for me. It might sound weird, but I've had a hard time saying their names whenever I would talk about them to people. I've spent the last six days, referring to them by their age. I guess calling them by name just makes it scary real.

"So what does this mean?"

We are 100% decided that we do want to go forward with meeting them, their caseworker, and the foster parents. We know the gist of what happened and why parental rights have been terminated, but we still have a lot to learn about their case. As long as there in nothing totally crazy....like hates two year olds who have obsessions with elmo....we're pretty sure we'll proceed.

Our caseworker happens to be on vacation this week, so we know nothing more till Monday. We're hoping to have the opportunity to meet them sometime next week. Obviously, that will definitely be the decision maker there. After that, I'll share all the details on them.

I'm pretty sure next week, my feelings can be summed up as anxious.

(I strongly suggest if you've ever considered adoption or know someone who is adopting to take a minute to read Emily's post Adoption and love. It's brutally honest and almost hard to read, but an eye opener to what those who are adopting, especially those adopting older children, are possibly going through. You can find it here.)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Worries

David and I went to dinner alone tonight, so we could talk about the big decision without being interrupted.

He finally asked why did I looked so scared anytime someone asked me about if we had decided what we want to do.

It took me most of the night to search for the answer, but on the way home I broke into tears and I finally realized, it's because of her.

I look at her and think about how her whole world is going to change.

and how she has no clue whats possibly coming.

She's had my undivided attention for the last two years. Just her and I is all she has ever known.


Besides my two day stint in the hospital, a week after her birth, I have never been away from her longer than 12 hours at a time in almost two years.

Yes, I'm one of those who begs for a break and then cries when I'm away from her for more than a few hours.

I honestly never thought I would be one of those, but come to find out, I am. I'm way more "momma needs to cut the umbilical cord" than I ever dreamed I would be.

Her entire world is so small and safe right now. I want that and honestly, strive for that. There are little outside influences on her and I like it like that.

And that's part of what scares me....these are outside influences that I am bringing in and most likely will take time to be controlled.

I worry how this all is going to affect her.

Even though there will come the day that I love those kids as my own, still for right now, she's naturally my number one priority. It's hard to not think of it all and not worry about her.

But even more, I worry that I can never love them as much as I love her....

Friday, August 5, 2011

It can all change in an instant.

My hubby came home yesterday after working all day long (no seriously...he didn't walk in till after 10pm after leaving the house at 6am that morning), and he said "well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine on our blog today."

Ha! Sorry.

Sometimes you just feel like letting it all out.

But it's funny though how things can change in an instant.

Yesterday afternoon, not even an hour after I wrote my post, I got an email from our caseworker and we're finally making progress to add to our family. We're not ready to share all the info, but basically we went from no one wanting to pick us, to us getting to be the ones picking and choosing. Crazy!?!

So yesterday afternoon, my attitude went from...."I'm bummed about everything right now," to "maybe everything is working out just like we wanted it to, I can't believe it!!!!" kinda attitude.

It's not that I'm not thankful everyday for the life we have been given, just sometimes it's easy to get frustrated with where your at. I know that David and I are bad about waiting for the next big thing in our lives, instead of enjoying the moment we're in (But, when you've got baby fever...it's hard to not think of anything else constantly).

So today I woke up with a better attitude and a better picture of where we're headed these next few months.

Today we got pictures of kids, more info, and we're going into next week making a decision that will change our lives (and others) forever.

No pressure.

But we're trusting God to point us in the right direction.

(No, these pictures have nothing to do with the post, but they've been floating around on my computer and you know the Grandparents need some pics of the baby girl! )

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Rut

Funk, blah, whatever you call it, I feel like I've been in it lately.

And not just with blogging, life in general...

I was talking through email this morning with a dear friend about how I felt like I was in a rut (she is feeling the same way too, so thankfully, I'm not alone) with everything lately. I don't know whether to blame it on the heat or what, but I feel like life is standing still at the moment.

I know though that I'm ready for some changes in our life.

I've been wanting to do some changes around the house, but for whatever reason, money seems to keep running out, so I'm left with going to home depot or lowes to walk around and price stuff that it seems we'll never have the money to do anytime soon.

I'm ready to add to our family, but our homestudy keeps being sent out and not picked. We're told constantly by anyone involved with the system, that we're the states dream come true. On paper, we look awesome, but for reasons only God knows, we keep getting passed on by and the kids keep going to other families. I'm ready, David's ready, and even Olivia's ready.

I'm ready for Olivia's diva attitude to be gone. I spoke too soon when I said I wanted her to stay this age forever. Ever since we got back from vacation, she's been very whinny and crying when things don't go her way....which evidently is all day long. We've tried different schedule/routines, new ways of discipline, etc. but nothing seems to be putting an end to it. I'm tired of fighting with her, I'm tired of the constant crying. At the end of the day, I'm so exhausted from dealing with her, I don't even have the mental energy to pick up the laptop and type out a post or an email to a friend who emailed me days before just to check on me.

I'm ready to find a church where we both feel like we belong. For the last few months we've been back on the hunt for a new church home. As odd as it might sound, when we first started going to the church we've been attending regularly, we knew it was not going to be our permanent church home. It was just what seemed to work for us at the time. One of us just hasn't always felt at home at the church and is ready to move on. It's pretty apparent, so much so, people ask "is D okay?" whenever we go (he usually looks like a deer in headlights during the service). The best way to explain it is that it's not the type of church we grew up in and the style of worship we're used to. So, we've been on that hunt again and so far we're still searching. It's hard to find a place you both feel like you belong.

I'm ready for the temperature to cool off. I now understand why the schools down here started to go back so early in the last ten years (most schools here went back this week or next), because it's so hot at this point in time in the summer, you might as well have the kids can no longer play outside, so you might as well have them in school in the air conditioner. We're to that point that you cannot even go outside anymore. Olivia wants to go play outside so bad, but usually after only 15 minutes out, her cheeks are already beet red. After 30 minutes, I usually cannot stand sitting it in any longer. I'm usually a summer lover, but I only like May and June. I cannot stand when it gets this hot. I'm ready for the fall and the holidays (yeah, I just said it).

So, that's my rut lately. David and I talked the other day that we both feel like we're in this kinda holding period. Yes, it's mainly due to waiting on more kids. I've been keeping my mouth shut to not speak too soon, but our homestudy has been sent out four different times for four different sibling groups and we haven't been picked for a single one. One group we were disappointed about, because it seemed like it would be the perfect fit for us, but we haven't heard anything from their caseworker in weeks now, so we're assuming they went to another family. No one has to tell me, cause I know that means that God has another group planned for us and they will come when the time is right, but lets be honest....when your waiting, it can still be disappointing.

I know this post was so happy and cheerful, but it's where I feel like we are in life right now. Maybe saying it all out loud (or posting) will help get me out of the funk.

At least I have a cute kid to leave you with....