One Month Later

It's crazy to think that its been a whole month since Destiny came into our lives and left.

This past month has honestly been one of the roughest in my entire life.

This whole thing hasn't been easy and though it may seem like I've brushed it under the rug, that couldn't be farther from the truth.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I find myself wondering what she's doing at moments during the day. I catch myself every Tuesday & Thursday driving past her old school and wondering what she's doing in class and if her teacher is being nice to her that day. I have to remind myself that she's not there and somewhere else now.

This past month has obviously sent me into lots of time for reflection and prayer.

One month later, God has opened my eyes.

He's shown me that maybe I'm not the person that I thought I was, but that's okay. The dreams and plans I have had for myself are different than his plans for me. This has been a huge reminder that no matter how much we think we have control of our lives or others lives, he is still the ultimate decider.

He's shown me that there are certain aspects in my role as a mother that need to be fixed before I could be a mother to anyone else. There are so many ways I fall short of being a good mother everyday. Ways that in hindsight, I would have failed Destiny in the long run. Yes, I would have been a good mother to Destiny, but God has shown me that I wasn't the right mother.

He's shown me those that I now know without a shadow of a doubt I can count on and who love me regardless of whatever happens. Those that didn't back away or distance themselves, but instead hugged me when I cried over and over and asked if I was okay. And yes, one month later I'm still crying over her at times.

Some people haven't even asked once how I've been doing and it hurts.

However, he's also shown me that encouragement can come for the most unexpected people. Like from a friend at MOPS who called out of the blue, just because she wanted to tell me she was thinking about me and Destiny. She admitted that she hesitated to call because she didn't really know what to say, but she has no idea how much her call meant to me because it reminded me that some people actually do care.

Because to be honest, I've never felt more alone than I have this past month.

My best friend Amy seemed to hit the nail on the head one night when we were talking about it and she compared it to having a miscarriage which she herself has unfortunately had to experience before. Though I've never gone through one myself, her feelings on hers was exactly how I was feeling about Destiny.

It's been the loss of a dream.

I wanted that little girl.

I wanted to make all her dreams come true.

I wanted to give her everything she deserves.

I wanted to make it all work.

But, it wasn't in Gods plan.

Do you know how it feels to be just another person on someone else list of those who have failed them?

It's heartbreaking.

Do I wish things were different? Everyday.

But one month later...

I've found peace.

It's been interesting the people that are coming out of the woodwork this past month to share their similar stories and experiences with us. People who I least expected to assure me, that this has all been for the best. People that I otherwise would have not known, but who I firmly believe God sent to help give me peace.

One month later, I've realized that God has a greater plan, not only for me and my family, but for Destiny.

I still fiercely pray for her everyday just as I do for Olivia and I ask that others still continue to pray for her too. Unfortunately, I haven't had much of an update on her lately, but I'll share when I do.

And because I know people most of the time don't know what to say, it's okay to bring her up and ask us about it. For one short week, she was apart of our lives and regardless, she will always remain apart of our story.

Comments

kimmer said…
Don't really know what to say except that I have her in my prayers each and every day too. She's just a little girl, so young to endure so much. I am glad to know that you are at peace with it and let's all keep praying for her....take care.....
Tristan said…
I've been praying for you...and destiny is still on my prayer list also..everyday.
God has laid her on my heart.

I completly understand the loss of a dream,and I imagine that is what you feel like...glad you have found some peace!
Tami W said…
Amber, I have hurt for you and David so much this past month. And I also know that God is in control.
Like you John and I think about her all the time. And as your friend Kimmer said she is a little girl that has endured so much. I know in that one week she was showed love. John and I still hold her in our hearts and all of our friends still pray for everyone all the time. She was a grandchild we opened our hearts to and fell in love before we really even got to meet her. The one thing we keep holding on to is that she knew Jesus. And she knew he cared for all. We know he holds her in his hands just as he does you. I am so proud of the mother you are and to call you my daughter. I know God has plans for your family. And I know you have so much love and wisdom to give. And I do think people just don't know what to say so they say nothing. I hope I have not let you down. I did stop asking you and talking about it because I felt I hurt you each time. I am always here for you. I love you, Mom...
MyLinda said…
I know how lonely that place can be. Each time one of our foster children left and now every time we're not chosen as the family for a child(ren) that we've been thinking and praying about...we had to grieve the loss and it hurt when those around us didn't seem to understand or care.

I pray that you (and your family) continue to heal and go forward to embrace the many blessing that are in store for you!