She has been on my mind for the last two weeks.
She's crossed my thoughts at least a hundred times a day.
The tears have started to flow again for her on a regular basis.
On Sunday during worship, I bawled for her. It felt like my heart was breaking in two again and it just seemed to all come out at that time. I thought I was done, but Monday during my run, I cried for her again.
I missed her. I was missing her like crazy.
I wondered what Christmas would have been like with her. I could only imagine how excited it would have been for her just after seeing her reaction on this one day. I wondered how school would be going right now and if we would have decided to homeschool her by now. I wondered where the relationship between all of us would have been like now four months later.
And then, the what-if's have started to play over and over in my mind.
"What if I would have fought harder for her?"
Oh, I fought....but I didn't fight for her.
Someone very close to me told me at the time that I needed to realize I would never get her out of my mind and I didn't believe them. But, they were right. There isn't a day that she doesn't cross my mind.
There isn't a day that I don't live without the regret of what all happened.
But last night, I got a phone call telling me that it was official. Things had been approved and she was officially going to her forever home soon. I know her new forever family through association and from what I know, they are awesome people. They are honestly better parents for her than we ever could have been and they deserve a kid as awesome as she is. They can and will give her the life that she deserves.
Though I was truly happy to get this news, I was surprised when the tears started flowing again.
Tears of joy for her and her new family, but once again tears of loss for myself.
Though I knew there really was no going back, there was still always that thought of "what if?" But my heart now needs to know it can move on because though we might not be involved in it, there is a happy ending.