Monday, August 8, 2011

Worries

David and I went to dinner alone tonight, so we could talk about the big decision without being interrupted.

He finally asked why did I looked so scared anytime someone asked me about if we had decided what we want to do.

It took me most of the night to search for the answer, but on the way home I broke into tears and I finally realized, it's because of her.

I look at her and think about how her whole world is going to change.

and how she has no clue whats possibly coming.

She's had my undivided attention for the last two years. Just her and I is all she has ever known.


Besides my two day stint in the hospital, a week after her birth, I have never been away from her longer than 12 hours at a time in almost two years.

Yes, I'm one of those who begs for a break and then cries when I'm away from her for more than a few hours.

I honestly never thought I would be one of those, but come to find out, I am. I'm way more "momma needs to cut the umbilical cord" than I ever dreamed I would be.

Her entire world is so small and safe right now. I want that and honestly, strive for that. There are little outside influences on her and I like it like that.

And that's part of what scares me....these are outside influences that I am bringing in and most likely will take time to be controlled.

I worry how this all is going to affect her.

Even though there will come the day that I love those kids as my own, still for right now, she's naturally my number one priority. It's hard to not think of it all and not worry about her.

But even more, I worry that I can never love them as much as I love her....

3 comments:

Tristan said...

i can't even imagine how that must feel.
you are a great mommy :)

Kameron said...

If it makes you feel any better I had ALL of those same feelings when I was pregnant with my daughter. My son was my world and I felt like I was crushing it by having another baby. I couldn't imagine I could love her as much as I loved him. How could there be room in my heart for another baby?? The amazing thing is, kids are resilient. They adapt and change and love the new person (people) in an amazing way that only a child can. She might act up a little to get attention at first, but In your case I think it might be different if the sibling group is older than her. When a new baby comes into the family, it needs so much attention and the mom is exhauisted. You will have the benefit of skipping the newborn stage.

You see how Nicole feels about her kids. Neither one of them is her flesh and blood, but every time I read a post about them, she radiates love that only a mother does. You are justified in having these feelings, but I know once it happens, you will feel like you don't know how you lived without them! Stay strong sweetie!

Amy said...

Everything Kameron said is true. I've told you before that the night before I was scheduled to be induced with Matalie I was sobbing telling my mom and Scott I couldn't do it, that there was no way I could ever love her as much as I love Luke. And she was the child I had prayed for for years! It's amazing how God orchestrates things and the intuition and love that He placed in us as women is an indescribable thing when it comes to children. I see the way you love Olivia with you whole heart and know that you will gives these kids nothing less than the best. Love you to the moon!