Just riding the emotional rollar coaster.
Thank you for the encouraging words yesterday.
Tuesday morning I woke up and one of the first post that popped up in my google reader was this one from Emily at The Anderson Crew. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was what I wanted confirmed.
As the day went on, I grew more and more excited about it all. I started to feel how people have been expecting me to act.
My mom called and asked "so what does this mean?"
And my post just means those are my fears.
David and I consider ourselves to be very logical people. I haven't gone into great detail, but we have literally talked and considered every possible situation that could go along with this adoption thing that we possibly can. For instance, we were adamant that we didn't want any group that had sisters. We felt that two sisters (especially older in age) would already have a bond and in the future, Olivia could possibly be the left out one and not be able to truly form that sister bond with two adopted sisters. Those are the kind of situations that we ran over and over when we trying to decide what we would and would not take.
Part of it is that we are not going into this with rose colored glasses. Through others stories and experiences, we realize that we are going into possibly one of the hardest years of our lives. These children are going to come with baggage. They've been abandoned, they've been rejected, they've been abused and all those issues and feelings that come along with that are going to have be dealt with. Unfortunately, they are usually taken out on the people that are trying to help them...the adoptive parents.
Though I truly am excited, it is hard to swallow the fact that we're starting on possibly a very long hard journey. Especially after coming off a great last year, after Olivia's first year being so hard. With a unplanned c-section, an unexpected second surgery and recovery, a very unhappy baby, and a year of postpartum depression, Olivia's first year has gone down in history as our hardest year yet. Yes, I'm admitting for the first time on here that I had postpartum depression. If you read my blog during that year, your probably thinking "we could have told you that one!" It took me a long time to come to terms and admit it, but that's a whole different post. Let's just say I'm amazed my husband stood by me that year.
We could very well have one of those "everything is wonderful and we all loved each other from day one" kind of adoption stories. I'm praying that we do, but I'm not going to fool myself. It's going to be hard and an adjustment for every single one of us in this house.
For the last few weeks, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "you'll know when you see them" but honestly, when I pulled up their pictures for the first time...I didn't know. I was disappointed that I didn't "know" right away. It wasn't love at first sight like everyone promised. David reminded me that we're not love at first sight kinda people anyways. We knew each other for years before we decided we liked each other. I'd say that worked out well for us.
Today I woke up even more excited about what's ahead. I even started referring to them by their names, which was big for me. It might sound weird, but I've had a hard time saying their names whenever I would talk about them to people. I've spent the last six days, referring to them by their age. I guess calling them by name just makes it scary real.
"So what does this mean?"
We are 100% decided that we do want to go forward with meeting them, their caseworker, and the foster parents. We know the gist of what happened and why parental rights have been terminated, but we still have a lot to learn about their case. As long as there in nothing totally crazy....like hates two year olds who have obsessions with elmo....we're pretty sure we'll proceed.
Our caseworker happens to be on vacation this week, so we know nothing more till Monday. We're hoping to have the opportunity to meet them sometime next week. Obviously, that will definitely be the decision maker there. After that, I'll share all the details on them.
I'm pretty sure next week, my feelings can be summed up as anxious.
(I strongly suggest if you've ever considered adoption or know someone who is adopting to take a minute to read Emily's post Adoption and love. It's brutally honest and almost hard to read, but an eye opener to what those who are adopting, especially those adopting older children, are possibly going through. You can find it here.)