The other morning, I had a girl date with a couple of girl friends. One of those friends, is getting ready to move half way across the country with her family because it's always been a dream of theirs to live out there. Most of the lunch we talked about their upcoming move and how much it's going to impact their lives. She at one point said "who knows...we think it's what God wants us to do, but it might really just be what we're wanting to do...I feel at peace about it, but we might pack up and be back here in a year."
And that got me thinking....How do we really know the difference between what God wants us to do in our lives and what is actually just what we want for our lives?
Just because we feel peace about it.....does that really mean it's what God wants for us?
Because I'll be honest.....There are days that I have doubts are we really supposed to adopt and have a big family like I've wanted.
Yes, it's a decision that I feel good about a majority of the time. But there are many times when I don't have the peace about it. Some days I can barley keep my patience with one child...let alone add three more in the picture. And then some days, what I refer to is my selfishness comes into my thoughts...if we only have two, I could have more clothes for the kids and I, I could have a nicer car, I could afford then to travel more (even though I'm a homebody who doesn't really like to travel), I could......etc., etc., etc.....the list could go on.
Some might jump up to say that is the devil putting thoughts and doubts in your head, but just this Sunday morning, the Bishop reminded us that not all things from God are positive and perfect. There are times that God sends us what we believe to be a negative into our lives, in order to stop us from the path we're thinking we should take. And I wonder....is that what God is doing to me?
Are those thoughts in my head because God is putting them there? God knows what I can handle and is it him that is making me doubt? Should I really raise more than one more? Especially children that are not from my own flesh and blood? Unlike my friend, I can't just pack them up and return them back from where they came from.
We haven't received any news from DFACS, but we have been approached from outside about children that needed homes. In fact, we've already been approached two different times. Each time, I immediately said "sure," but each time as the days pass, I could justify more why we shouldn't take the children rather than should. Maybe it's because they weren't what we envisioned? Maybe if we got the call and were offered exactly what we see ourselves with, maybe that doubt wouldn't be there?
But...How do I know?
This is not a plea for you all to tell me how great a mother I am, which I know that's what you all would tell me right? ; ) These are just the thoughts running through my head lately.