One word to describe this go round...fear.

I'm often asked "how you feeling?" this go round.  Most of those whom I get this question from, were around for my first pregnancy, so they know I was sick majority of the time while pregnant with Olivia.

I'll quickly respond "great!!"  This pregnancy has so far has been so much easier "physically" than the last.  To be honest, most of the time I don't even feel pregnant until I feel her wiggling in around inside and I'm quickly reminded I'm growing a tiny human inside me. 

However, I'm not being totally honest.  If you were to ask me how "I was feeling emotionally?"  I'd probably break down in tears right then and there.

This pregnancy has pretty much drained me emotionally and the sucky part is, I'm only half way through it. 

I've vaguely have talked about it publicly, but it seems as though every time I go to the doctor, there's something we should be "concerned about." 

Nine times out of ten, it ends up being nothing, but its been presented in a way that gets me worked up and stressed out each and every time.  It's to the point I dread going to appointments anymore.

Here's pretty much the routine now....I go to the doctor, told there is something they are concerned about, freak out for a day or two and completely stress, after more phone calls to the doctor I finally calm my nerves and move on with life with the next week or so, a week or so before my next appointment, I start prepping myself for the next doctors appointment and usually it involves fear over "what's wrong now?," go to the doctors appointment and start all over again with a new concern.

It's been a continuous cycle since January.  If I were to be completely honest with my feelings, I've spent this entire pregnancy so far in fear.

A week ago Monday, I went in for my 20 week ultrasound and instead of it being a fun, joyous moment, they noticed my amniotic fluid was a "little low."  They tell me to take it easy the rest of the day and drink, drink, drink, plenty of water and they schedule me an appointment to come back first thing Tuesday morning for another ultrasound.  I had to be honest and admit that I did not have much water over the weekend.  I had more caffeine than I have been drinking.  Normally, I'm pretty good about it, but we had a lot going on and I sometimes forget when we have stuff going on.  I'm better about water intake when I'm at home doing nothing.  So, I follow orders and spend the day doing nothing but drinking water.  We went back in first thing Tuesday morning and they said my fluid was back to normal level, but on the low side of it.  She tells me what I do "only what I have to do," to keep up with the water intake, and they'll see me in three weeks.

Do "only what I have to?"  What does that mean?!?!  I stay at home with a three year old!!!  I'd be better off with a desk job. 

So, it may just be us, but it felt like I was getting totally conflicting info and I put in a call to my actual doctor.  This might be a good time to state that I have only seen an actual doctor twice my entire pregnancy, all the other office visits, for some reason I've been stuck with the PA.  Which this is were the blame of it falls on me, because I've should have been more adamant that I only wanted to see a physician.  My doctor was most likely under the impression that I was just seeing other doctors in the practice (something they encourage) and from a conversation with her late Tuesday night, it had not been brought to any doctor in the practice attention as to what they thought was going on.

We told a few people on Monday because we felt like it never hurts to have a few prayers.  Luckily, we got word from a few people who knew "so and so" who had a similar problem and everything turned out fine. Of course though, when doing a little bit of research on the Internet (will we ever learn to stay away!!!) we did not walk away with warm fuzzes.  I called my actual doctor on Tuesday afternoon to get a second opinion on what was actually going on and just to let her in since she obviously had no clue.  She called back late that night after a full day at the hospital and said from what she could see, things looked normal.  Since I'm already considered "high risk" and seeing the specialist, she asked if they could move my appointment up a week just to be sure that things were looking okay.  Just so no one starts to question my doctor, she even called me on Thursday afternoon to check on me and to make sure I was able to get an appointment with the specialist.  Obviously, she had no clue to what was going on earlier in the week.

Friday morning I headed out for my third ultrasound of the week, but this time with the specialist.  I gave the ultrasound tech a run down of what was going on and we headed in the exam room to check on Amelia.  She said that everything looked fine to her.  My fluid level was measuring a 10 which is on the low side of normal, but she told me that some women just are naturally on the low side of fluid, it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  Amelia is in the breech position, so the tech stated several times it could just be due to the way she's positioned.  Regardless, they consider it to fall into the normal range.  She said she was measuring at 13 oz. and everything looked good.  The specialist Doctor came in after and said she felt everything was fine, but wasn't ready to release me yet.  Because of the concern over the fluid levels and that the baby was measuring on the low side of the normal range size wise, she wants to follow up in four weeks.  This kinda bummed me because I was so hoping she'd say everything was fine and dismiss me, but once again, I have to go back.

Oh, and I should say that other than those two things, everything function wise looked great (i.e. her kidneys, bladder, heartbeat, etc.)

So, honestly, my emotions are all over the place the past week or so.  One minute I'm fine, the next I'm freaking out.  That's pretty much why I haven't been around on any type of social media like I normally am. 

There is a huge part of me that looks at it as there's not much I can do....in a take a magic pill and have my fluid magically rise kinda way....so I'm having faith she's being taking cared of by the one above.  Over the weekend I felt good about it all and that everything would be okay, but today I find myself scared again over what could go wrong.  If I don't feel her moving, I find myself suddenly freaking out and thinking the worst.  We're only 22 weeks into this thing and we have a long way to go.  I find myself constantly praying that we can just make it thru the next 17 weeks. I'm trying to have faith, but lets be honest, it can be so hard at times.

I found these quotes on Pinterest over the weekend and I've honestly repeated them to myself over and over again over the past few days.

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So, that's what has been going on lately.  I go back for my next appointment on April 9th to see my regular doctor (I had been scheduled another appointment with the PA, but I made sure to call the office and have them schedule me with an actual physician) and then I go back to the specialist on the 22nd of April.  I think once I have a few more appointments where they say everything looks good, I'll feel better.  It's just getting to those.

Prayers are still being asked for and thank you for those that have already been sent.

Comments

You know I am praying for you as always! Love you!
Tristan said…
praying for you and amelia!

i know you read my blog when i was pregnant..do you remember "little person" 2 vessel cord, not enough nutrients...SO SO much I worried about and was scared half to death over.
just TRUST.
It was hard to do at times, but I think we often forget just how much God loves US...just as much as we love our own babies and more..can you imagine?!

He already has her book of life written and knows the person she is and meant to be. Trust He will protect her in every way.

You do what you can..sounds like you are trying your best, just keep it up!

Parenthood=life of worry!! Why did no one ever tell us this..ahaha
Jennifer said…
I was in the same boat with my second pregnancy Amber. Fear was everywhere - and not just physically, just circumstances surrounding us at the time too.

There's a quote from Ann Voskamp (Author of 1,000 Gifts) that says, "Fear is the notion that God's love ends." I have it posted to my fridge as a reminder to me when I'm starting to ramp up with fear about anything - though when our fears become reality, God's love often feels muddled - at least that's how I've felt in the past.

I did some major battling and wrestling with fear during my pregnancy. We have so little control over our bodies and our babies - like you said, you can't just magically make your body produce more fluid. I started to view the things I was fearing as an invitation from God to trust and rest - it was a constant and daily struggle to go there, but we journeyed through it together. Hoping you find some rest and solace for your heart and all that you fear.

Praying for you and your precious baby girl growing inside of you - and that you will be constantly reminded of His love and care. <3
Cunz Family said…
You're preaching to the choir about fear! I had model pregnancies with the first 2 and now this time around I'm also seeing a specialist and have ultrasounds every 4 weeks. I hate to do anything out of the norm for fear that I'll go into labor early. Every Monday when I hit a new week, I breathe a sigh of relief...however, I've still got 14 weeks to go which is a long time in pregnancies so I just keep chugging along. I seriously think my water is gonna break everyday. Thats not the greatest feeling to have, at only 26 weeks pregnant :(

So I'll be thinking of you, and sitting in fear right along with you!