One

A couple of months ago, Dave and I were having a casual conversation about the direction of our life, when he informed me...

"I'm happy with just one."

This of course sent me into a little of a tailspin.

I've dreamed for years of being the mom of a brood of three or four. Up until recently, I've always pictured our future family Christmas cards filled with five or six people in it.

Much of that comes from the fact that I am "technically" an only child. I have had and still have step-siblings and a half brother throughout my life and I am fortunate to have a close relationship with several of them.  Honestly though, a lot of times I feel like it's just not the same thing if you know what I mean. So, I've always swore I would have plenty of kids to make up for that fact.

However, like always, while I was busy making plans...life happened.

Back at the beginning of the year, while on a run, out of no where it hit me that we fall into that category of couples.....children do not come easily for us.

Oddly, that was a hard pill to swallow. I cried right there during the middle of my run.  I've spent years hearing stories and reading blogs of others struggles and it never occurred to me until just a few months ago, that we were one of those. After a freak delivery with Olivia, a year of ppd and then add over two years of trying to have another one, it safe to say we fall into that category.

So that leaves us at where do we go from here?

Yes, we could through the procedures they believe I need to have to be able to get pregnant again, but to be honest, I don't want to.

I don't really want to have it done and to really be honest, I don't really want to be pregnant again. I am completely jealous of those women who love being pregnant,  because I am not one of those women.  I was sick for the majority of my pregnancy, due to what happened last time I will most likely have to have another c-section......I'm not someone who can just pop babies out and go home the next day. Yes, that may sound completely selfish to some, but its the honest truth.

Adoption is not entirely out of the question, but right now it is no where on the radar anytime soon. If you want an explanation about the events from last year.......we just were not ready like we thought.  Adoption is still near my heart, but we have decided we are not cut out for DFACS. If  and when we do go the adoption route in the future, it will be private and most likely oversees. Money however is the determining factor for that and right now, we have none. 

I'm a planner.  I have to plan out my life.  I have to make plans for life two, ten, and twenty years down the road.  We're both not happy unless we are making plans for our life.  But since I'm also a "right now" person and adoption seems so far off the radar, I've been struggling with coming to terms with the fact that we most likely will be an one child family.

It might not sound like a big deal to most, but it has been a big deal to me. It's almost like I've been going through the grieving process over not having a big family over the past six months.

For a long time, I've gone back and forth....one day I'd be in tears over not having a big brood. The next day, I'd be running around and singing how I love having just one!  At one point, I was standing in the kitchen yelling to Dave at the top of my lungs"I will have another child!" That tells you where I tells you where I have been at with this all.

I honestly cannot understand why I've become so obsessed with it.  I've got a great life, a wonderful daughter, a great marriage, but yet, I seem to be putting all my happiness on children that may or not come.

Over the past couple of months, my heart has started to see a change.

When imagining our lives in the future, I am now able to picture just one....and I'm happy with it.



I have finally started seriously accepting the fact that obviously, God has a different path for me and being the next Michelle Dugger is not one of them. 

Let's be honest, being the only "one" does come with some advantages.