After we came home that Monday, I'll be honest, I was disappointed. I know in my heart, things were not meant to be, but still in the days after, it was harder than I expected. We fully expected to come home that day and start a new chapter in our life. We were literally ready to bring them home that day.
I have a room already decorated for two little boys that now, I honestly sometimes wonder, will it ever be filled? (We had a extra bed in Olivia's room for some time now, so it doesn't seem so strange in her room). I've honestly walked by the "boys room" a couple of times and it brings me to tears. I finally just closed the door because I hate looking, at what feels like, such a empty room for now.
A couple of days after we returned home, I looked at David and asked "what do we do now?" We had spent the month before preparing ourselves for a new life. And as odd as it may seem to adjust our lives for kids that never even came to live with us, I feel like its taken a few weeks to adjust to how our life will continue to be the same, for now.
Right after all that, we had more disappointing news...David took another pay cut at work. (he had to take one at the beginning of summer). There was an immediate "OMGosh WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?!" It seemed like that I would have to go back to work for now. I even started looking for jobs and applied to a few places, but I was crushed.
Though I know its not the end of the world. I walked around the next couple of weeks very angry. Angry at David's work, for expecting more hours to be put in, still expecting holidays to be spent working, but yet, not paying us what we feel like its worth.It hurt that we had waited years till we were financially in a better situation to start a family. For the specific reason that I could stay home. Though it may not seem like it to others, it felt like we had sacrificed a lot just to have them now take it away.
Even more though, I walked around angry at myself.
I felt like I had totally taken these last two years for granted. Time after time, I complained about being stuck with her 24/7/365 and hardly ever getting a break. Time after time, I told her "one minute" or "mommy needs to do this right now" when she would pull my hand and ask me to sit down and play. Time after time, I would say no thanks when friends would invite us to go do special activities like go to the park or pumpkin patch, just because I didn't feel like dealing with her out in public.
And now, it seemed like it was all quickly coming to an end. It felt like it was over.
I always assumed that I would be at home with her until I decided otherwise. I always counted my down my time at home in years, but now it seemed they were being counted down in days.
You would think that I would have automatically picked her up and held her tighter, but oddly enough, I found myself continuing to get frustrated with her or still telling her "not right now." I guess I was taking my anger out on her.
Over the weekend though, we got into our 1,658 conversation about our finances and what we planned on doing. After he explained some stuff to me (most of the time, waffle house math doesn't make sense to me) and told me for the 1, 658 that we would be okay and I didn't need to run out to find a job anytime soon, I finally felt like I let my self breathe for the first time in weeks.
And after weeks of walking around feeling sorry for myself, I woke up Monday with a new attitude and a heart filled with gratitude for all that God has blessed us with.
I'm thankful that my husband still has a job in these tough economic times.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to spend every waking moment with this little girl, who yes can be a handful at times, but who showers me with her sweet kisses all day long and whose cleverness amazes me everyday.
I'm grateful for the friends who God has placed in my life these past few years. Especially the ones who show up on your door step, with a coffee in their hands and allow me to literally cry on their shoulder and offer you what little have to help you out. Those who remind me that friendship isn't a "what can you do for me?" relationship, but "I'll do whatever I can for you" and not expect anything in return. Even when I haven't always deserved it.
I woke up and decided that though it might not be the start of a life I imagined a few weeks ago, its going to be the start of a life that's more focused on the simple stuff. We are going to be okay and we have plenty to survive even while I continue to stay home. I won't be getting a new pair of boots this fall or Olivia might not get a lot for Christmas this year, but I will get to be home with my baby everyday.
I get a second chance to sit on the floor and play with when she asks or to read to her before her nap, not just before bedtime. I get a second chance to truly appreciate the opportunity I've been given and not wasting the moments in my day with trying to keep my house clean.
I decided last night that Wednesday are going to be our special date days for her and I. I kept it simple and decided to start by going to the park. When we first got there, I was a little disappointed that there wasn't a single other kid there. Even during the school year, there is always at least one other kid & parent there. When we walked up to the playground, Olivia kept asking "where they go?" and "they go bye bye?" Instead of parking my butt on the nearest bench like I normally do, I stayed and played with her. We climbed, we went down the slide about a hundred times, we ran circles around the playground equipment. I didn't once have to tell her to "go play," she played because I was there playing.
My heart melted when she pulled me over to the smallest slide at one point and asked me to go down. I started going down and she ran to the side of it and grabbed my hand to help me down the slide. Just like I do for her when she goes down the tallest. I never loved that child as much as I did at that moment.
It was such a reminder of how observant she is of me. How her attitude these past couple of weeks has been nothing but a reflection of my own. It was a reminder that though I don't have the other children in my life like I planned, I do still have her and I cannot sit around waiting for other children that may or may not ever come. I only get one shot with her and I better take advantage of every moment I can.
This post seems like its going every where, but I really just want it to be a reminder to myself how grateful am for these two and every moment I have with them. They are my life and soul. They make my world go round. Regardless of all that has happened (or hasn't happened), at the end of the day, I still have them next to me.
Sorry again for being all over the place. It's just where my heart has been lately.
Hope everyone is having a great Wednesday! : )