Thursday, April 3, 2014

How do you know?

David and I have really never agreed on that magic number of kids.

I have always wanted four and he was always set on two.

We met in the middle with three.

Then we spent three years trying to get pregnant again and when it looked like it wasn't going to happen, we came to terms and were okay with one.  We made new plans and dreams that fit our family of just three and carried on with life. 

Then Amelia came along, three became four, and there again was that dream that maybe four could be five one day.

But that dream was short lived.  There is no way around it, Amelia has been a tough baby.  Colic and reflux have kicked our butts over this past eight months.  We wouldn't trade her for the world and we know this is just a stage of life, but it hasn't made these past eight months any easier.

Five months in, we decided we were done.

Two were plenty.

So, we made plans to make things permanent.

For three months now, this permanent solution has been on the schedule.  After several months of me being on several different hormonal solutions, I had to come off because I felt like it was making me crazy.  Needless to say, we've been counting down the days till this could be done.  We were ready to be done...ready to be heading out of the baby stage of life with our two girls.

Life could easily be pictured with our two girls. 

Tuesday was the big day, we dropped the girls off with the sitter, headed out to the appointment.  After 30 minutes of back and forth, due to a huge mix up with prescriptions, billing, voice mail messages, etc....pretty much everything that could be wrong was wrong...things did not go as planned and the permanent solution did not happen.

At first I was pissed.....so very pissed.  I cried.  I yelled.  I blamed him for it all going wrong.  I did all the things you do when things don't go as planned.

After an awkward thirty minute drive home, I had finally calmed down enough for us to somewhat talk about what had just happened an hour before. By the time we made it to lunch, we were joking about "number 3."

And because I'm one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason, then of course....I've questioned it since.

Maybe we aren't done?
Maybe it all happened for a reason?
Maybe we are supposed to be a family of 5?
Maybe there's a reason we had went ahead and bought a minivan last year?

I know I no longer want four, but I still love the dynamics of a family of five. We have some good friends with three kids whom we spend time with on a regular basis.  I love the dynamics of their family.  It's kinda crazy and loud, but not Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar crazy and loud.  It kinda feels like a big family but without the cost of a big family.

I understand his feelings of only two.  As the breadwinner in our family, he feels major pressure for the financial responsibility of our kids.  I know when it comes to kids and finances, peoples beliefs or all over the board, but the only way to sum it up is we do have a standard of living we want our kids to be raised in and having more than two would effect that.  Not saying we'd be out on the street if we had another, but the extras and travel wouldn't be what we would like to have. 

On top of that, it would mean a 4th c-section to my body.  Due to my past, I would be a repeat c-section.  C-sections are rough and harder to recover with each time. Yeah, there's a lot worse, but it's no slice of cake either.  Though my Dr. hasn't told me that I can't have another, she has made me aware that I only have really one more shot. She doesn't recommend more than three usually.

So, here we are a few days out and I'm still questioning.  It's funny because just the other night a friend was talking about having another and she said her biggest fear was the same as mine....would it be something I regret later on?  I doubt I'll ever regret having a third...but do you regret not having another?

How do you know?

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Almost every single day I am most certain that I am done at two. SO very done. And yet there is this tiny, quiet - very quiet mind you - voice inside that wants me to stay alive to my hope for just one more. And I want to ignore it because a great many things would have to happen for there to even be the possibility of a third. Money and jobs - I can't work full time with three kids and put that responsibility on my mom-in-law. I hate being pregnant. I'm not a fan of the baby stage. I mean, I'm ready for Jacob to be four already. Plus I'm 33 and Todd is 44 and we just feel kind of old to think about the newborn thing again. All that to say, we don't know if we're done or not. I suppose when I'm really sure, we'll know and have a peace about it? FOr now though, two is all my sanity can handle. Looking forward to seeing whatever is in store for you guys. (o: