Why is it such a struggle?

Here we are. 

Baby number two and the second time I'm finding myself struggling just to get by.

This baby stage...



It's such a struggle for me.

With Olivia, I thought it was because she was my first and I didn't really know what to expect.  Add on my bout of postpartum depression, I felt like we had so much going against us and I just couldn't enjoy her baby stage. 

I cried the other day to a friend over how I felt like I was such a bad mom because of how much I loathe the stage Amelia is in. 

I've always said I wasn't a baby person and having a second baby has more than confirmed that to me on a daily basis.  However, I completely realize that the baby stage is apart of the process of having children and one you can't really avoid. So no lectures please.

I just so often feel like I'm the only one.

I  just look around me and I see all these other women who are gushing over babies...talking about how much they love this stage....how babies are so sweet and they just want to sit and cuddle them all day long....how they want to add ten more to their families.....

I look at babies and want to run in the opposite direction.


Babies are just so hard for me. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not Amelia herself.  I love the girl with every fiber in me, but I'll admit, I can't wait for her to get to the next stage of life.  I know I shouldn't admit it, but I'm count down the days till her first birthday.  I'd take the toddler stage over the baby stage any day.

Everyone keeps telling me to soak it up, but I just can't.  No matter how hard I try. 

This second time seems to be even harder than the first.  Yes, the colic and reflux haven't helped matters any, but this go round, I know what I have to look forward to after this stage and it seems to be making the baby stage go by so painfully slow.

But at the same time, knowing what's coming is one of the few things keeping me sane. I look at Olivia and remind myself over and over, Amelia will be there too one day.



Thankfully, the fact she's getting so dang cute is making things a tad bit easier.

Comments

Jennifer said…
Seriously girl, you're not alone. I'm right there with you. I pray every day Jacob will wake up and suddenly be four because I'm done with diapers and crying and the clingy, attached to me thing. I struggle with the guilt and just knowing too that I'm wired differently and that it's okay.

I can't say anything to make you feel better - but you're not the only mom girl. Commiserating with you from afar!
Anonymous said…
Oh my gosh, I found this through Nicole's blog and I could NOT agree with this post more! I adore my girls, I would lay down in front of a train to save them but I am so bad with babies.

I love my newborns but I am not "good" at them. I never know what their cries mean. I don't know what to do with them so I have to just run the gamut of tasks until we (hopefully) find one that works. I'd like to have another child but I think about that first year and I cringe. I don't think it makes me a bad mom though b/c I've found several other mothers that I really admire who felt the same way. It was such a validation for me! =)

Our second is a joy and a delight but was also the hardest baby in the entire wide world and galaxy and universe. ;) I like to think it means she will be an easy teenager.

Keep your eyes on the calendar and remember that she will be bigger soon. You'll have such fun once she's able to communicate and party with her big sis!